Music and Moonlight
by apainchaud
Summary: One night while Heero cannot sleep he goes in search of distraction from the things plaguing his mind. He comes upon the most unlikely sight and discovers that music and moonlight can heal even the worst fallen soldiers. {Please let me know what you think! Love to hear everyone's thoughts!}


Heero groaned as he rolled onto his stomach. With his face buried in the pillow, he wrapped his arms around it and wished he could go to sleep. He had done a lot of traveling since the war ended. Growing up in ways a war never allowed him too. There were still nights like this though where he couldn't close his eyes. Nights like this when everything inside of him was wound up. He felt caged and trapped by his emotions raging around in him. Heero always found these emotions at their worst when he would be in the company of his comrades. Reaching their peek when Quatre would say he had come home. In the end the word "home" and all of the family affection attached too it just left him wishing he could be with Zero. Heero cracked his knuckles remembering the controls beneath his fingers. He felt the cold hard plastics, the smooth metals and the feeling of the screen displays all around him. Zero always had a comforting smell. Metal, oil, his sweat during repairs, the smell of adrenaline. They were always present when the cock pit closed shut. To Heero the feeling of being secured in the cock pit was the closest thing he had ever experienced to being truly held close to something he really cared for. The cock pit gave him a way to feel powerful, angry, rageful and yet at the same time vulnerable, afraid, or even sad. He knew he felt these things, even if he could not understand them fully. His emotions and desire to be perfect in battle coursed through every limb and into his veins like blood. It was such a rush to have control over such an amazing piece of technology. His heart would hammer in his ears and every time he felt his weapons make another kill, regret wasn't always the first thing he thought of. Sometimes he really honestly enjoyed the thrill of the hunt, chase and the kill. That feeling of falling through the sky without a care in the world or floating through space like nothing could ever disturb him as he danced with the stars. The feeling of always being so close to death and her icy cold grip, the comfort in knowing he wasn't afraid of her when he had his gundanium companion. Heero grasped out to hold the detonation device to slow down the whirling in his head and calm himself. To remind him that even with Zero he could still end up no better then the people he destroyed. Finding it not there Heero snapped back into reality, back into the silence and the cool temperature of the dark lonely bedroom.

War made everything so black and white back then. It was easier to let it arise during battle and push it aside when the adrenaline faded. However, now that had all become strange and complicated. His present situation just made him feel vulnerable and raw. The lack of Zeros companionship left a gaping hole he wasn't sure anyone would ever understand. It seemed so ridiculous logically however that he could miss an object with no life in it as much as he did. He still, even now could not believe it had been over a year since he laid his metal angel to rest. Since then Heero had just been searching for a way to fill the void. He thought traveling would help. The past year had been spent wandering around and taking in things that were breath taking and beautiful. Some of them even managing to stir within him feelings that brought laughter and innocence back too him. The only problem is when he would leave those places, the buildings, the art and the gatherings of people, it would all come crashing back into this ugly feeling of bitter loneliness. He never ended up staying anywhere long enough to make friends or grow as a person because of it. When the feeling would return he would keep going in search of something to keep the feeling alive. He had been searching for so long but he never felt he knew exactly what he was searching for to help himself out. It left such a tight, hallow feeling inside his chest. His stomach kept knotting up in protest. Heero sighed heavily and looked at the snow slowly falling outside the cold frosted window.

Christmas had come again and he had returned to see the people he now knew were important too him. Sure they were his friends and comrades, but it was never completely enough to satisfy him now that the Gundam's were gone. He was sure he had an idea about what it was he was longing for but books only held so much information and his friends had all seemed to find something too make them happy and whole. Shaking the thoughts that made his eyes sting with unwanted tears, Heero decided to go in search of distraction.

The Winner house was massive. Wandering through the halls of the large dark house, Heero started to wonder if he was the only one awake. With no one moving around, everything seemed like such a wasted amount of space. Every bedroom door seemed too have someone inside of it occupying a warm bed. He imagined everyone else was probably blissfully dreaming and losing themselves in the warm feelings this time of the year was supposed to bring. Heero sighed with envy and moved on trying not to feel annoyed. Cursing his own weakness Heero nearly walked into a wall lost inside his head. Being jolted from his thoughts, he realized he had come to the far east wing of the house. A large portrait of the late Catherine Winner hung in front of him. Turning around he was ready to go wrestle with his sheets and demons again when he thought something grabbed his attention. It was a soft sound, something he couldn't make out from where he was. Curious, Heero decided to search the large estate to discover what it was.

Following the soft tune Heero came upon a pair of elegant oak doors. One of them had been left open just enough that he could see someone was occupying the space inside. From the door way a small orange light flickered and danced shadows across the room, spilling into the hall. From where Heero stood he could just barely make out the figure sitting in front of the bay window. Very silently Heero moved so he could peer through the doorway. Sitting against the large bay window that over looked the Winner memorial garden, he could make out the figure belonging to Trowa Barton. The warm glow of the fireplace lit up the tall latin american youth with a striking beauty. His long brown bangs cast a shadow across his body that Heero eyes gazed upon it with affection. The other man seemed so relaxed as he was posed with his guitar. He knew Trowa had held great affection for the instrument, as it had been a gift from his sister Catherine. It was a cherry color and Heero always assumed it sounded amazing because of what it meant to him. Heero watched Trowa with great intent. As if lost in his playing, Trowa tilted his head sideways. Those deep emerald green eyes shut slowly and as each chord of the sad melody played, he could see the emotion emerge through the cracks in the walls Trowa always held so high. Against the frosted window, the falling snow back drop was making him seem even more attractive this way. His chest and arms were bare and Heero realized that it was a shame Trowa always covered his amazing body with long sleeves, turtlenecks and sweaters when he wasn't performing at the circus. Heero could feel his cheeks warm as he let his eyes trail down the other boys frame. In the glow of the fire and the moonlight casting down upon him Trowa looked almost angelic. He could see the way the light black material of his pants framed his hips and legs as one was crossed and the other was hovering just above the floor. Heero noted his feet were bare. During the war and the brief time they had spent together Heero had made note that this meant he was comfortable not too hide behind his walls. It was during the time Trowa had nursed him back to health. It was a memory that caused a strange stirring within his chest. He had watched the taller boy with tired eyes. Trowa had come into the trailer with a presence that seemed out of character that night. Heero had noted the tired weary features on the other boys face. He watched him discard his shirt and socks with annoyance. He seemed to pace for a moment in the small space like the lions did in their cage. Restless and bothered he had watched him flop into a near by rocking chair Catherine had brought in earlier that morning. He had heard the tired sigh, seen the worry in his emerald eyes that seemed to shine in the starlight from the open window. Other then Trowa's laugh a few days before it was the only other brief moment Heero had seen inside the other boys walls. Heero had held his breathe as he watched Trowa run his hands through his bangs and mumble in a language Heero didn't understand. It had sounded so broken and more so with that soft spoken tenor voice Heero had come to like listening too. Heero never forgot the way the other pilot looked, and he was sure Trowa had thought he was dozing when he let the walls come down. He was glad though for the moment of weakness, because he would not have seen such a thing had Trowa known he was awake. Every other time he had seen the other boy after that night, Trowa had always been completely covered up and very quiet.

As Heero felt the memory fade he felt drawn in by the passionate tune that was filling the room. His hands began to shake. Every vibration of the guitar was beginning to haunt him. The emotion felt like it was pulling at something inside his chest and he couldn't help feeling sorrowful and yet alive. A pressure began to restrict Heero's chest as the music began to swallow him whole. Bringing a hand up to his shirt, Heero gripped it tightly in a balled fist. The feeling of Trowa's song was suffocating him as his body began to grow cold. Feeling chilled, Heero felt as though every part of his body had lost all the warmth it ever had. Feeling frantic he needed to gazed upon Trowa's face. It wasn't until a beam of moonlight caught tears running down Trowa's face that Heero noticed the full extent of Trowa's pain. The more he listened, the more he noticed Trowa looked like he was struggling for control over the way the music were making him feel. Looking at Trowa play his heart began to ache, reminding him of the little girl from long ago. Heero felt hot tears burned his eyes. He could remember holding the girl's dead dog in his hands. He balled his free hand into a tight fist, his finger nails dug into his skin. Fighting back sobs, his body began to give into the music as it shredded the last vestiges of self control. Turning away from Trowa feeling rather sick, Heero leaned against the other door heavily for comfort.

The sound of the guitar clattering to the ground made Heero jump. It sounded hallow and screechy as the strings scraped against the cold floor, making Heero tense for a moment. Turning around, his eyes met the muzzle of Trowa's pistol. The latin's green eyes bore a death glare that made Heero shiver. He suddenly felt small beneath that look, the weight of the silencer's eyes bearing down on top of him was un-nerving. They made him far more worried then the gun ever did. Trowa had never given him that look before after all. Was he furious that Heero had seen him like this?. Heero mentally scoffed at himself. Of course he was. Would Heero have acted any differently if their roles had been reversed?.

"Please..." Heero felt a lump in his throat, "I'm sorry..." He clenched his fist closed. What the hell was suddenly wrong with him?. Why was the sight of Trowa crying and the sound of that music bothering him?. Heero lowered his gaze to the floor he felt his face burn like hot cinders. He wanted his feet to shift and retreat but he couldn't move. He was pinned where he stood. Heero could feel himself involuntarily shrink against the library door. He was trapped and every note of the guitar playing before was still effecting him, echoing around inside every limb and vein of his body. The tension made his heart speed up. Heero was losing an inner battle as he watched the other man helpless to do anything. The black pants helped to accent Trowa's hips and the muscular shape of his legs as he stared Heero down. His comrades emerald eyes told Heero he was being studied for some kind of reaction. Trowa was so graceful and cat like, Heero was memorized even if he did feel a sense of danger. Heero's palms were sweating now and everything was becoming over whelming. He tightly shut his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing. He was still doing so when Trowa just barely grazed his skin with the muzzle. He felt his body jump and everything seemed so dream like and unreal. Towering just a few inches over Heero, Trowa locked eyes with the pilot of 01. Neither of them looked away for what seemed like forever to Heero. Regaining some sense of normality, Heero reached up to wipe the last remaining tears from Trowa's face and he acted without thinking.

Their lips met and Trowa tensed for a moment. Heero wondered if Trowa was going to hit him. Bracing for the impact of the pistol he was revealed when 03 relaxed instead. Trying to think clearly, Trowa edged his tongue on Heero's lip for a moment before Heero understood and let Trowa kiss him possessively. Heero never expected things to feel so wet, which was odd because mouths were wet weren't they?. Before this Heero might have thought it was gross but instead he was surprised that it was more then nice. Every time Trowa would run his tongue along his lips and teeth Heero would shiver. It wasn't cold he realized, just a strange sensation that traveled from his neck all the way down into his groin. Noting Heero's response, Trowa roughly held the other mans head closer as his gun fell against the floor with a sound that roared against their silence. Their kiss deepened as Heero moaned softly into Trowa's mouth. It wasn't until there was a large pounding in his chest, did Heero realize he should remember to breathe. Gasping when they finally broke apart Heero suddenly felt off balance. A steady arm came around to support him and he was looking up at Trowa. Why did his knees suddenly feel like they weren't there?. He searched Trowa's eyes and for a moment swore he saw fear, or maybe regret inside of them before it was replaced by something he didn't recognize. Regaining his posture he watched feeling both cold and hot as Trowa picked up his weapon and turned to retreat back into the library. Heero swallowed harshly, unsure if he should follow. If their roles were reversed, would Trowa follow him?.

Death gripping the door handle, Heero shut it closed nervously. Glancing up he gazed upon the image of Trowa cradling the guitar. Guilt jabbed a stabbing pain straight into Heero's heart. As he approached the kneeling figure of the other man, Heero suddenly felt himself hoping it hadn't been damaged.

"I'm sorry Trowa" He sounded just as awful as he felt. What was it about tonight that decided to remind Heero he was human after all?. He was starting to feel like his emotions were beating the reminder into him rather harshly. Trowa stiffened and Heero watched as he gently laid it upright in its case. The click of the latches made Heero twitch.

"Come here Heero" Heero obeyed, un easy at the way the words were being said. As he approached the pilot of Heavyarms, he suddenly felt Trowa's hand take his. The wind howled outside with the snow making soft noises against the window. Then tenderly, there in the silence they embraced in the moonlight. There was something different about this kiss though and Heero blushed as it warmed him all the way too his toes. Trowa tasted like cinnamon and Heero definitely wanted more kissing. He pressed a little more forcefully and found his hands had suddenly moved their way around the other mans body too his neck. Trowa's lips twitched into a smile for a moment before he grabbed him passionately. Estimating the distance between them and the window bench, Trowa picked Heero up by his hips and pressed him against the window glass. Heero moaned as the cool feeling of the glass suddenly alerted him to the heat in his body. He felt Trowa shiver as they captured one another mouths again in a frantic need. Heero found he suddenly wanted to trace every bit of the taller mans body, as Trowa's hands were firmly planted one in the swell of his back and the other grasping through his hair. Heero had read what this was supposed to like in books but the rush of just kissing the smooth skin of Trowa's lips and the feeling his tongue inside his mouth was better then anything the perfect soldier could have ever imagined in a lifetime.

"I've always wondered to do this" The Heavyarm's pilot whispered in the other mans ear, "I've wanted you ever since I watched you bravely press that detonation button." Trowa nuzzled his head against Heero's, "I felt it grow as I dressed you're wounds and bathed you're injured body" He urgently pressed heated wet kisses against the flesh of Heero's neck and the boy moaned as he gripped a hand in Trowa's hair. Heero 's hands ran across Trowa's flesh and as they came up from the bottom of Trowa's back he stopped upon a section of flesh that changed . He felt the other pilot freeze and immediately the walls came up and Heero was pushed out. Their hearts were pounding wildly and the room was suddenly so hot as they panted. Heero felt hurt.

"Burns... from-" There was a hitch in Trowa's voice as he struggled to continue, "From a long time ago before any of the fighting" Trowa's hair suddenly blocked from view the gorgeous emerald eyes Heero was admiring in the soft light. Trowa's silence spoke volumes of something he obviously didn't share with anyone. The hurt in Trowa's voice and the shame he was giving off from being so exposed like this made Heero's stomach hurt with a new feeling. The thought of Trowa being hurt and emotionally upset like that paralyzed him. He didn't understand why. He always knew Trowa had secrets and a past, but why was it having this effect on him?. What was he thinking?. What was he doing here anyways?. His heart started speeding up with a panic of his thoughts and a flashback suddenly seemed to over whelm him. _"Act on you're emotions!" Trowa's laughter inside his head finally gave him courage to follow the words._

"I like them" His voice sounded unfamiliar and strange as it shook along with the hands he still had hovering above 03's back. He swallowed roughly to ease his anxiety. He pressed more firmly this time as he ran his fingers along Trowa's golden colored flesh, "I think their beautiful..." Heero leaned his head forwards against the other mans and took his hand in his own, "Just like you Trowa" Was that what it was?. Did he really find Trowa beautiful?. Was that why the music had been effecting him like it had?. He pulled Trowa against him. Their bodies now touching again, both of their faces showing a vulnerable feeling, their hands still shaking just a little. Trowa's walls were crumbling.

"I've always thought you were beautiful Heero" They kissed again, only softer, more sweetly. It made Heero feel like his chest would rip right open and he wondered if Trowa was feeling the same. Heero grabbed onto Trowa like if he let go he would lose him. His feelings only intensified when Trowa did the same back. Was this what being afraid to let someone inside felt like?. His eyes were suddenly blurry when he tried to look at the other man and was amazed when tears finally fell down his face. It was like something had broken inside of him and he couldn't stop it. Changing their position on the window bench Trowa drew him into his chest, his hand stroking Heero's hair. He finally noticed Trowa had them tears racing down his cheeks too and every time they kissed it felt like something was pushing all the lonely, dark, tormented feelings and memories away. It felt cleansing, pure, it felt right. Nothing about it felt otherwise. It was perfect.

Heero wanted too make this stay. He wanted to remember everything this moment was giving too him. When they finally broke apart, he realized even upset and probably more then a little afraid Trowa was the most beautiful person or thing Heero had ever known. Even more so than Gundam Zero. Wiping away Heero's tears Trowa managed a smile and drew in a deep breath,

"I love you Heero, I just-" His face burned. Why couldn't he just finally say it?. Embarrassed he buried his face in Heero's neck and Heero held him so close he felt they could melt into one person. Heero nodded and Trowa held him even tighter. He would never let him go and now Heero knew why he had come back too all of these people.

"I was so afraid too, but not anymore...I finally understand what it was I as searching for. I love you too Trowa"

~End~


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